So often, when we experience frustration or conflict with our children, our natural instinct as adults is to solve the problem immediately. We want to regain control, give directives, and restore order quickly. In those intense moments, our rational thinking can take a backseat to emotion. We lose sight of what might be happening beneath the surface of a child's internal world and rush ahead to fix the behavior rather than guide the person.

Yet, during moments of struggle, our children look to us most for grounded leadership, compassion, and empathy.

Shifting Our Perspective

Dr. Ross Greene, clinical psychologist and author of Raising Human Beings, invites adults to fundamentally recast how we view challenging behavior. Through his framework, Dr. Greene highlights a central truth: When children exhibit challenging behavior, it is because they are lacking the skills to respond differently in that moment. If they had the skills, they wouldn't be struggling.

Dr. Greene anchors his approach around two foundational principles:

• "Kids do well if they can."
• "Doing well is always preferable to not doing well."

If we wholeheartedly embrace the principle that children inherently want to succeed, we undergo a profound shift in perspective. We move away from seeing challenging behaviors as manipulative, limit-testing, or attention-seeking, and instead see them through a neurobiologically supported lens: as indicators of lagging skills or unsolved problems.

How Adults Can Help

Because every child demonstrates challenging behavior at various developmental stages, how we respond determines whether we build skills or trigger power struggles. Here is a practical framework for guiding children through challenging moments:

1. Identify the Specific Difficulty

Shift your focus away from the frustrating outward behavior and identify the underlying friction point. For instance, instead of focusing on "whining during the morning routine," identify the difficulty: "completing breakfast before it is time to leave for school."

2. Choose a Calm Moment

Never try to solve a problem when emotions are high. Find a quiet, neutral time when both you and your child feel safe, regulated, and connected.

3. Make a Non-Judgmental Observation

State the observed difficulty without criticism or blame:

"I’ve noticed it’s been tricky to finish breakfast before we need to head out the door for school."

The Empathy Step: Gathering Information

After stating your neutral observation, ask an open, inviting question: "What's up?" or "What's going on?"

This question initiates the Empathy Step: a dedicated information-gathering process where our sole objective is to understand the child's perspective.

• Listen without interrupting: Resist the urge to offer immediate advice, correct their logic, or propose solutions.
• Reflect back what you hear: Use reflective listening to confirm understanding: "So it feels hard to eat quickly because you are still feeling sleepy when you sit down at the table?"
• Peel back the layers: Give your child the time and psychological space to share what is truly causing distress.

For many children, simply being heard, validated, and taken seriously creates a profound sense of relief and emotional regulation.

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Once your child's perspective is fully understood and summarized, share your adult perspective clearly and without anger:

"I understand. My concern is that when we rush out the door late, it feels stressful for both of us, and I want us to start our days feeling calm."

Next, invite your child into a partnership:

"Let's think together. How can we solve this so breakfast feels doable for you, but we still get to school on time?"

When children are actively involved in generating solutions, they build critical executive functioning skills, internalize responsibility, and feel invested in following through.

The Healing Power of Being Heard

Sometimes, you may not even need to reach the final problem-solving step right away. Simply allowing a child to share their experience and feel genuinely validated can melt away the friction.

By slowing down, remembering that children do well when they can, and leading with empathetic listening, we move beyond short-term compliance. We help our children build resilience, learn essential life skills, and grow into capable, self-aware individuals.

Collaborative Connection at Rose Hill Montessori

In our Primary and Elementary classrooms, guides use empathetic listening and collaborative problem-solving every day to help children navigate social and academic challenges. To learn more about our classroom communities or observe our environment in person, schedule a visit.